My Child is Not a Brat. He is in Sensory Overload

Having an Autistic child is challenging enough.  It becomes downright heartbreaking when people you come in contact with judge your parenting or believe your child to be a holy terror that just needs whipping into shape.

If you are the parent or caregiver of an Autistic child with sensory processing issues, the following scenario will seem all too familiar:

Despite your best planning ahead, you run out of diaper wipes.  You dig through the car and your kids' backpacks before you resign yourself to the fact that a trip to the store is necessary. *sigh*

The store is just around the corner, but you already know this is going to be an hour-long ordeal.  Your child still cannot dress himself or put on his shoes, so you begin there.  Once dressed, you explain to him that you will be getting in the car, sitting in a cart, and walking through the store to buy something.  Even a small change in the daily routine can be distressing for an "Autie", so you verbally prepare him as best you can.

Your child is constantly in "flight" mode outside, so you wrestle him to the car and congratulate yourself that he did not run in the street or down to the park.  (You're also trying to keep your eye on his sibling, who is anxious to go and get this over with.)  He has difficulty with enclosed spaces, and it takes him a few minutes to calm himself down once he's strapped in his seat.
After a short drive, you're at the store.  Your Autie has major sensory processing issues.  Bright lights are distressing, unfamiliar noises are disturbing, he's terrified of strangers, and sitting confined in a cart sends him into panic mode.  You wrestle him into his seat while his brother sits in the other section of the cart, excited about this little outing.  Unfortunately, you're in the store for less than two minutes before your Autie is in Sensory Overload, and he begins to shake and cry.  You walk down the lane quickly for the diaper wipes, but he is already screaming and trying to stand up in the cart.   Calming him down at this phase is a losing battle, but you try to distract him with pretzels or fruit snacks, to no avail.

At this point, you are receiving glares and disgusted looks from other parents.  Particularly bold ones may actually stop to offer constructive advise, such as:  "You need to FEED your child before you leave the house!"  or "Why couldn't you wait until after nap time?"  I've even had people advise, "He's just a spoiled brat.  It's nothing a good beating wouldn't cure."

If they're lucky, you are not a violent person and resist the urge to beat the lights out of them.  But as you go to bed tonight, you will fantasize about it because it makes you feel just a little bit better. 

It never ceases to amaze me that these days people still feel justified in telling other people how to raise their children.  I would never in a million years come up to a complete stranger and judge their parenting skills or say nasty things about their child, but it happens.

After several extreme experiences, I stopped taking Matthew to the store altogether.  He became too big and heavy to wrestle into the cart, and was strong enough to rock and tip it over when he was particularly panicked.  I had reached my emotional limit, and this was one thing I could cut out of our schedule that would make all of our lives a bit easier. 

Now that Matthew is in full-time ABA therapy, he has a "Community Outing" goal.  His target time began with two minutes, meaning that he must sit quietly in the cart for that amount of time.   Two minutes does not even get us into the store.  I loaded him into the cart, pushed up to the front door, and walked right back to the cart.  After four months, we have moved up to a five minute target, which is just long enough to walk into the store and down one aisle before we leave.  He receives a treat (pretzel or fruit snack) for every 30 seconds he can sit nicely, but if he throws a tantrum, we cannot leave until he has calmed down.  It is extremely important for him to not think his tantrum caused us to leave the store, because then the behavior would be reinforced.

Even with an aide present, I have still dealt with stares and glares from other customers.  I have read about other moms who always have their child wear an "Autism" t-shirt in public.  One creative grandmother created business cards to hand out that say, "My grandchild is not tired, hungry, or a spoiled brat.  He has Autism."  Although I have not done these things myself, I am all for educating the public about our child's challenges, and it can be hurtful and exhausting to feel that you have to verbally apologize for your child's behavior every time you encounter strangers.

So while I understand that his behavior may be an inconvenience for you while we are shopping in the same aisle, I am trying to raise my child to become a productive member of society and overcome his sensory challenges, for his own benefit and for the benefit of the community.  That cannot be accomplished by sitting at home and keeping him away from the general public.  So let's all try to have a bit more tolerance for each other and not jump to the conclusion that every unruly child is simply spoiled and selfish.   We're all in this together, and a little bit of patience goes a long way to helping our kids adjust to the great big world out there.  :-)